scholarship essay help.?

is this good? how would you rearrange any of the paragraphs. or how would you reword any of the sentences. thanks. ______________________________________… My name is Priscilla Luna and I am in an accredited Dental Assisting program at Everest College in Alhambra, CA. I decided to become a dental assistant after having braces for 2 years. I saw how happy the dental assistants were and decided I wanted to be happy, too, as well as help people. I truly feel I deserve this scholarship because it will be used towards continuing my education to become a dental hygienist. I have achieved a few accomplishments while at Everest College. I am in honor roll, I have perfect attendance, and I am the class ambassador. As class ambassador, I have learned many leadership qualities. I am assertive, dedicated, creative, and fair. I attend weekly meetings to see what has been done or what needs to be done for the students. I help my fellow students with anything from answering a question about homework to helping the students in the proper positioning of the x-ray film. There have been a few instances where I found some valuable information that I thought would be useful to me as a future dental assistant, but I always took the liberty of printing out enough copies for the entire class and for my instructor. I always study beforehand and I am usually the first to raise my hand to answer a question my instructor asks. Aside from my leadership position at school, I was a supervisor at a previous job. I trained new employees at a market research company. Ultimately, I would like to become a Registered Dental Hygienist in Extended Functions. I plan on continuing my education this upcoming fall semester at Cerritos College. I hope to become an RDHEF in the shortest time possible. My long term goal is to own my own practice. I even have a working title, "Luna's Pearly Whites." I believe patient education is very important. When I own my own practice, I plan on having some sort of program that will be available to those who cannot afford dental care. Proper patient education in oral hygiene should be readily available to those of all cultural and financial backgrounds. I hope to start a program that may start at my dental office and expand statewide and possibly nationwide. I have a very supportive family who applauds me for thinking of others by wanting to work in the dental field to eventually make a difference. It means a lot to have their support and it would also mean a lot to have the support of the San Gabriel Valley Dental Society, Allied Dental Health, and the CDA Foundation.
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Most of what you have written here is unnecessary if not counterproductive. Tell them which scholarship you are applying for and how you are enrolled in that discipline. Give them your GPA and any awards you may have received and any writing you might have published in the past. Discuss any classes you may have taken that are unique to the discipline you are studying for that makes you more qualified than the other guy. They can care less about your family. They may not like the fact that you share your studies with others. The braces thing is cute but cute can be counterproductive. The name of your new practice is likewise something that you could easily take out. Focus on the skills and training you have to offer, If you have any recommendations reference them by quoting the person. And make yourself sound like you have a sense of time management and direction. What do you think you will be able to do with the education that another may not? How will you do this? How long will it take? I can see that you tried to hit on some of these points, but; be more of a salesperson and less of an autobiographer. You want them to buy you and not the other person and like any other purchase you buy what gives you the most for your dollar. Good Luck.
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